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I keep telling my brother he would love therapy. This is a man who regularly shares his innermost thoughts and feelings with me and who is always down to dissect human behavior, whether it’s our mutual inability to fall asleep without listening to a podcast or our fascination with passive-aggressive corporate email lingo. He also deals with some of the same overwhelming emotions that I do.
It’s not that he’s adamantly anti-therapy. Whenever I bring up my own therapy experiences during one of our long-distance phone chats, he seems intrigued and open to the idea. He’s even mentioned looking into it in the past. I just sense…a hesitancy; as if he’s thinking, Do I need therapy, though? Or perhaps, Is it really worth the hassle of finding a therapist?
He’s not alone in his uncertainty. In one 2019 study, for example, researchers asked around 800 men with self-reported mental health struggles about their biggest barriers to seeking treatment. The results: 80% of the men said they believed “a lot of people feel sad and down” and that they didn’t know “what to look for in a therapist,” while 73% expressed a need “to solve one’s own problems.”
These findings are part of a growing body of research exploring why more men don’t go to therapy and how they can change that—for the good of their own well-being and the people around them. “Finding a therapist who’s the right fit and can provide guys with the gender-specific care and mental health treatment that they deserve can mean so much for them, their families, and our communities,” Matthew Braman, LCSW, a Baltimore-based therapist and founder of Verve Therapy, an online practice that serves men and their partners, tells SELF.
If that’s why you’re here—you’re a man who wants to feel better and do better, and you believe going to therapy should be your next move—you’re off to a great start. In fact, you’ve made it over the biggest hurdle: deciding you want to take care of your mental health. To help you (and my brother, if he’s reading this) figure out what to do next, I asked Braman to share his expert advice for any guy who’s ready to try therapy.
Cast a wide net.
Finding a therapist you click with is like hiring a new employee: It takes time and effort to find the right fit, and it can be helpful to reach out to people you trust for recommendations. If you know your best friend has tried therapy and enjoyed it, for example, consider asking them about their experience. Or if you’ve been talking to your partner about your mental health, you might ask them for their thoughts on therapy and whether they’d be willing to help you get the process going.
You can also get in touch with your primary care doctor for suggestions: “Tell them that you’re searching for a therapist—you don’t have to say anything more than that if you don’t want to—and ask if they know of anyone great,” Braman suggests. You’ll probably feel more comfortable sharing the qualities you’re hoping for in a therapist—someone who understands your cultural background or gender identity, for example—with people who make you feel at ease, he adds.
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